knee fears and other breakdowns...

I was in so much discomfort today and not managing my pain well.  I was trying not to take the Percocet anymore, but extra-strength tylenol just does absolutely nothing for me, and the doc doesn't want me to take ibuprofen due to its anti-inflammatory effects.  So I just tried to brave it out and by the time I got to the physical therapist was pretty close to tears and trying not to show it.

After torturing me in various ways, they put me on the stationary bike today for 4 minutes.  Four whole minutes!  It was so uncomfortable at first.  I whimpered a bit, thinking of my long bike rides in Germany, Australia, and Yorkshire, and how I could hardly push the pedal!  But I told myself to stop being silly, that before I knew it, I would be riding again, that I was progressing well, etc.  Then I heard BelleRuth's voice (star of healthjourneys.com and guided imagery) telling me there are times I will feel fearful, angry or sad, and I need to acknowledge that as my truth of the moment.  When I acknowledge my emotions, I allow myself to heal.  No denial with BelleRuth.  

So that's been my truth most of today's moments--in pain and sad over all the discomfort.  

This evening, sometime in hour 3-4 on the knee machine, my knee really started to hurt in weird ways that it hadn't before.  So I dialed the angle back a bit and soon just quit the machine all together.  The doc has emphasized how critical this machine is to my recovery, to regaining a fully functional knee, and part of me hated to stop for that reason!  But he's also told me to do what I can tolerate.  After toughing it out for several cycles, I decided that maybe I should just honor this unusual pain for the evening and try it again tomorrow.  So I've been just letting the ice bag sit on the knee and have turned off the motion machine.

I did a lot today. It was my first full day off the crutches.  I took a shower, which is a bit of an ordeal (just my 2nd one since the operation).  I walked up and down the street for 10 minutes.     I had an hour of physical therapy with several new activities.  I walked another 5-10 minutes around the shopping center (got a Mocha Frap light as my after-PT treat).   And I'd done 3 hours successfully before that pain kicked in.  So I'm hoping it was just my new ligament's way of saying, "uh, enough for today, hon."  

And, since then, when I've been standing up and walking around, I haven't had the pain I'd experienced earlier in the day!  So perhaps it was a bit of a breakthrough in a positive way.  

Tomorrow will tell.  For now, I'll just try to enjoy "The Unsellables" on HGTV as Sophie tells these property owners the obvious - repair and clean up the place if you want to sell your house!